Nina D’hautcourt

Photo: David Stjernholm
Photo: David Stjernholm

‘what we allow ourselves to do within a distance’

you lost your hair all over the apartment this week

i say you are turning into a cat

you ask me :

do you think we are drug addicts?

i bought an electric toothbrush,

brackets from a hardware shop, four tickets to the cinema,

three ecstasy pills and one gram of ketamine

you bought a little bit of weed

razors and extra strong tape

you blacked out this week-end,

you feel a little embarrassed,

remembering not remembering on monday morning

there is too much shame outside

so you stay inside

there you have a blanket to protect yourself

and you can close your eyes longer when you are in bed

you call your mom and reassure her

no i haven’t done any drugs in 16 days’

how can you can keep patterns from happening over and over again?

how can you stop thoughts from playing in a loop?

how come the carved paths made by pain within you can never be fully filled?

and how come those thin fillings are so fragile?

some feelings, you have unlearned too well, you can’t identify them anymore

hunger, joy, interest, boredom

sometimes you get a glimpse of them and feel some kind of satisfaction

does acid counts as drugs?

how many times have you been called clean instead of sober?

what does it mean to escape your own head?

what does it mean to feel fat?

why is it a victory not to eat?

every bite of food feels like a failure

you don’t sleep well

you have nightmares every night

you sweat a lot and everything gets wet around you

you wake up shivering

you never feel rested

you don’t masturbate anymore

it stopped feeling good

and it gives you cramps in the hand

even when you feel good you feel bad

you think you need to avoid some places and ignore some faces

even sobriety feels like being suffocated by your own thoughts

but you pretend you can see things changing

a brighter future’ you say

you are not sure if you want to be alive

and yet, you are afraid to die

because you still laugh a little bit everyday

in the morning you are light,

you have breakfast,

drink coffee,

have a cigarette

you go and lie in bed

you fall asleep for a few hours

and you wake up bitter

you don’t identify with your body anymore

it keeps changing

within this distance between you and your body

you can do anything

nothing seems to reach you