‘what we allow ourselves to do within a distance’
you lost your hair all over the apartment this week
i say you are turning into a cat
you ask me :
do you think we are drug addicts?
i bought an electric toothbrush,
brackets from a hardware shop, four tickets to the cinema,
three ecstasy pills and one gram of ketamine
you bought a little bit of weed
razors and extra strong tape
you blacked out this week-end,
you feel a little embarrassed,
remembering not remembering on monday morning
there is too much shame outside
so you stay inside
there you have a blanket to protect yourself
and you can close your eyes longer when you are in bed
you call your mom and reassure her
‘no i haven’t done any drugs in 16 days’
how can you can keep patterns from happening over and over again?
how can you stop thoughts from playing in a loop?
how come the carved paths made by pain within you can never be fully filled?
and how come those thin fillings are so fragile?
some feelings, you have unlearned too well, you can’t identify them anymore
hunger, joy, interest, boredom
sometimes you get a glimpse of them and feel some kind of satisfaction
does acid counts as drugs?
how many times have you been called clean instead of sober?
what does it mean to escape your own head?
what does it mean to feel fat?
why is it a victory not to eat?
every bite of food feels like a failure
you don’t sleep well
you have nightmares every night
you sweat a lot and everything gets wet around you
you wake up shivering
you never feel rested
you don’t masturbate anymore
it stopped feeling good
and it gives you cramps in the hand
even when you feel good you feel bad
you think you need to avoid some places and ignore some faces
even sobriety feels like being suffocated by your own thoughts
but you pretend you can see things changing
‘a brighter future’ you say
you are not sure if you want to be alive
and yet, you are afraid to die
because you still laugh a little bit everyday
in the morning you are light,
you have breakfast,
have a cigarette
you go and lie in bed
you fall asleep for a few hours
and you wake up bitter
you don’t identify with your body anymore
it keeps changing
within this distance between you and your body
you can do anything
nothing seems to reach you